Kobe Bryant: Douchebag or Asshole? Jury Still Out

The United Nations formed an emergency committee on Thursday to determine a verdict on the question which has been stumping scientists, politicians, philosophers for several years: Shall Kobe Bryant be classified under they phylum Douchebagdom or Assholehood. Many are stumped by the fundamental question and how it turns the entire nomenclature of human existence on its head. “Mr. Bryant does not fit neatly into the preestablished box of humanity. Typically one is a douchebag or an asshole. It was absolutely unheard of, even unthinkable to have a creature that occupied both categories simultaneously.” Remarked Columbia University evolutionary biologist Walter Rattenburg. Some scholars believe a new category should be made to characterize such a uniquely terrible man as Kobe Bryant. Proponents of this ‘classification unification’ (CU) call the new category the Douchehole. The issue of new categorization remains to be the largest point of contention. Opponents of CU claim that creating a unique category for a man whose head is ‘the size of an Irishman with cranial elephantitis” would cause such intense self-focus that Mr. Bryant’s head would combust; and thus with Mr. Bryant dead, the new category would be utterly superfluous. However, CU supporters claim they are doing a service to humanity. A claim with opponents do not deny, but oppose on theoretical grounds: “you cannot create a new category for a sub-human creaton and by creation of this category you destroy the very category itself. It is fundamentally contradictory. The enigma of duality of douchebagery and Assholeiness in Kobe Bryant shall remain a mystery until the joyous day when he finally dies.” Concluded Professor Rattenburg. It seems for now people will have to keep calling Kobe Bryant a Douche bag and an Asshole despite the mind numbing possibility that any single person could be both.