David Stern Launches New Program: NBA Doesn’t Care

After the failed publicity program, ‘NBA Cares,’ amid claims that the program was disingenuous, an embittered and cynical David Stern decides to change the program to ‘NBA doesn’t care.’ “I believe this program will better reflect the core beliefs and civic values of our athletes as well as everyone involved in this organization,” began Stern, “from now on, when people ask why our multi-million dollar athletes are politically apathetic and spend their money on selfish things instead of helping their communities we can look these people in the eye and truthfully say: the NBA doesn’t care.” The NBA released several advertisements to promote the new program. One commercial features NBA star Allen Iverson and Carmello Anthony as they walk down a ghetto street. A man who is being mugged calls out to them; a starving child asks them for bread, a crack whore asks them to save her from her abusive pimp. After hear the cries for help, Anthony and Iverson jump into an Escalade, turn to the camera, give a goofy smile as they shrug, and drive off laughing. The ad closes with a black screen, the words “the NBA doesn’t care” and an echoing laughter as the viewer hears a man being shot to death. Despite the shock and horror of NBA fans, David Stern issued a statement: “Oh, you’re upset? Well go fuck yourself because the NBA doesn’t care.”