Illinois Governor advances to Political Corruption Finals

Blagojevich Celebrates Advancement to the "Politicalics Realist and Illist Corruption" (PRIC) Finals

Amid the wild cheers of Illinois residents, their hero and possible saint, Rod Blagojevich, made an amazing drive late in the fourth quarter (of 2008) to clinch his first ever spot in the “Politics Realist and Illist Corruption” (PRIC) Cup. “I just want to thank my mother, my wife, and all those children at St. Mary’s who will die as a result of my unrepentant greed,” said Blagojevich as he pumped his fist and played an air guitar for an adoring crowd at Wrigley field during the celebration ceremony. When asked what he thought, President Bush stated: “It was depressed. I thought that lame Alaskan Senator would win out, with his boring but steady gifts from lobbyists. It was like watching the San Antonio Spurs win another methodical championship. But then that frigin’ Serb from Illinois punched that black chick in the face, and I was like, oh shit!” Bush, a long time PRIC enthusiast, punched the air to reenact the moment Blagojevich boxed Valerie Jarrett for violating PRIC rules when she tried to act like a “decent human being.” Blagojevich is training for the finals by beating up homeless people who fail to donate to his campaign fund. Blagojevich is to face Dick Cheney, the defending PRIC champion who has held the title for the last seven years. Cheney, whose success has bestowed him with the nickname Dick the PRIC, is the clear favorite. “There is just no way, some little governor can compete with a man who manipulated the fears of the American people, started two wars, and had thousands of innocent people killed as a result so that he can make windfall profits on oil.” said Sean Hannitty. He added, “Obama kina scares me. I don’t think he will ever be able to be a PRIC like Bush or Cheney.”

Scientists Discover Depressing Climate Change During Bush’s Lame Duck Period

In a shocking discovery made in New York City, scientists discovered that the climate will become increasingly depressing while President Bush is still office.

“What we find is that the days are getting shorter. It’s also getting colder and darker.” Noted scientist Daniel Smith.

“If our predictions are correct, we will see a white flakey substance fall from the sky, while Bush is still in office. We believe this substance is derived from angel tears. They are crying with impatience,”

“When Obama takes office in January, the days will start to get longer. There will be more sun and the deathly chill will be gradually lifted from the land.” Mr. Smith concluded.

When asked if he had ever heard of ‘winter,’ Mr. Smith had no comment.

Obama: I’ll make Hillary Secretary of State if She Can Name Every Country in Under a Minute

Barrack Obama extended a key cabinet position to Hillary Clinton, under what many believe to be an impossible circumstance.

“There are like 190-something countries in the world. To name all of them in under 60-seconds would be about as likely as a black man getting elected president of the United States of America.” Stated current secretary of state Condoleezza Rice.

“I don’t see what the problem is. I saw it done on Animaniacs.” said Obama, referring to a cartoon from the 1990s.

Mrs. Clinton has been practicing the routine and is currently at 1 minute and 4 seconds.

“Well, what if she’s four seconds late to a dinner with China and they decide to nuke us? Sorry but she needs to be under 60 seconds or it’s a no go.” Obama continued,

“When will we test her? Dunno, could be tomorrow at noon, could be tonight at 3 a.m.”

Whites Glad ‘Racism is Finally Over’

 

Now we can put the past behind us

With the election of the first black president, Barack Obama, Caucasian-Americans were all too ready to put centuries of racial injustice behind them. William Wentworth the Fourth, CEO of a fortune 500 company said “Racism is a thing of the past! Maybe now I can do down to the DMV and get my car registered without some morbidly obese aunt Jemima giving me hell.”

When asked if other co-workers were elated at Obama’s election, Mr. Wentworth IV replied “Mr. Tyrone Jones was so beside himself that he said ‘I’m gonna own this damn company you honkey bastards.’ We all had a good laugh, and I permanently demoted him to custodial duties. That’s the brilliance of it!  Now that the blasted NAACP has their own silly little president, they won’t be clamoring for me to hire blacks at high level positions anymore. Maybe now we can finally put those blacks where they belong: prison.”

Mr. Wentworth was just one of many white Americans who were relieved that we can finally put racism behind us once and for all.

Postscript: Mr. Wentworth IV was immediately struck dead by lightning subsequent this interview.

Kobe Bryant: Douchebag or Asshole? Jury Still Out

The United Nations formed an emergency committee on Thursday to determine a verdict on the question which has been stumping scientists, politicians, philosophers for several years: Shall Kobe Bryant be classified under they phylum Douchebagdom or Assholehood. Many are stumped by the fundamental question and how it turns the entire nomenclature of human existence on its head. “Mr. Bryant does not fit neatly into the preestablished box of humanity. Typically one is a douchebag or an asshole. It was absolutely unheard of, even unthinkable to have a creature that occupied both categories simultaneously.” Remarked Columbia University evolutionary biologist Walter Rattenburg. Some scholars believe a new category should be made to characterize such a uniquely terrible man as Kobe Bryant. Proponents of this ‘classification unification’ (CU) call the new category the Douchehole. The issue of new categorization remains to be the largest point of contention. Opponents of CU claim that creating a unique category for a man whose head is ‘the size of an Irishman with cranial elephantitis” would cause such intense self-focus that Mr. Bryant’s head would combust; and thus with Mr. Bryant dead, the new category would be utterly superfluous. However, CU supporters claim they are doing a service to humanity. A claim with opponents do not deny, but oppose on theoretical grounds: “you cannot create a new category for a sub-human creaton and by creation of this category you destroy the very category itself. It is fundamentally contradictory. The enigma of duality of douchebagery and Assholeiness in Kobe Bryant shall remain a mystery until the joyous day when he finally dies.” Concluded Professor Rattenburg. It seems for now people will have to keep calling Kobe Bryant a Douche bag and an Asshole despite the mind numbing possibility that any single person could be both.

David Stern Launches New Program: NBA Doesn’t Care

After the failed publicity program, ‘NBA Cares,’ amid claims that the program was disingenuous, an embittered and cynical David Stern decides to change the program to ‘NBA doesn’t care.’ “I believe this program will better reflect the core beliefs and civic values of our athletes as well as everyone involved in this organization,” began Stern, “from now on, when people ask why our multi-million dollar athletes are politically apathetic and spend their money on selfish things instead of helping their communities we can look these people in the eye and truthfully say: the NBA doesn’t care.” The NBA released several advertisements to promote the new program. One commercial features NBA star Allen Iverson and Carmello Anthony as they walk down a ghetto street. A man who is being mugged calls out to them; a starving child asks them for bread, a crack whore asks them to save her from her abusive pimp. After hear the cries for help, Anthony and Iverson jump into an Escalade, turn to the camera, give a goofy smile as they shrug, and drive off laughing. The ad closes with a black screen, the words “the NBA doesn’t care” and an echoing laughter as the viewer hears a man being shot to death. Despite the shock and horror of NBA fans, David Stern issued a statement: “Oh, you’re upset? Well go fuck yourself because the NBA doesn’t care.”

Video Game Prowess Fails to Impress Date

 

Area man, Will Hackan firmly believed a showcase of his video game skills would surely get him to first base on his blind date with area woman, Tina Fox. “The date began well. He brought me to a nice restaurant, he was funny and charming, and during dinner I had decided I would at least let him touch my boob later on. But just as we were getting dessert, he started talking about video games… and he talked, more like lectured me, about how he was a ‘true gamer.’ It was a turn off, but I figured if he simmered down, we would at least be able to make out at the movies. Boy was I wrong.” Commented Ms. Fox. After bringing Ms. Fox to dinner at Quiznos, Will got so worked up about his virtual strengths, he insisted they skip the movie for a personal showcase of Will’s Video abilities back at his apartment. “I figured when he said we should play video games, we were going to play something like RockBand or Guitar Hero, you know something that is beginner friendly and something we could both play. Instead he had me sit on the couch for four hours and watch him play some bizarre and complex role playing game.” complained Ms. Fox. Though he did not perform as well under the pressure of the feminine eyes following his exploits, Will managed to advance several levels and increase his combined Zombie and Narzord-Alien kill totals to 487,768. “You see that! I’m nearly at half a million!” an ecstatic Will exclaimed to his date. Unfortunately Ms. Fox had left six hours prior, after failing to communicate with her unresponsive and transfixed date. “I’m telling you, that kid is never gonna get laid,” remarked Ms. Fox after the failed date, “Would I be impressed if he killed half a million electronic monster things? Hell no! But when get gets to a million, tell him to call me, cause these panties will drop. But until that day, he has work to do.”

Humping Statues

John McCain: Child Molester?

Obama Makes Drunken 3 a.m. Call to Hillary

New York- After last night’s charity dinner, presidential hopefuls Barack Obama and John McCain decided to get drunk and “punch each other in the face.” The activity was spurred by McCain who claimed:

“If I break your nose, you gotta let me win the election.”

Obama responded in a drunken slur: “and if I win, you have to go live in Vietnam.” McCain’s eyes glimmered at the hope of returning to the beloved and leisurely days spent lying on the floor of a urine soaked Viet Cong prison cell. The two senators then ran at each other and collided at full speed. They wrestled for approximately 20 seconds before hugging each other and lying parallel on the ground as they gazed at the stars. Well it was New York City, so they looked at the street lamp above them, which both convinced each other was Pluto. An existential conversation ensued:

MCCAIN: I wonder if Cindy would be cool with a three-way with Palin…

OBAMA: That would be sweet, I would love a video of that.

MCCAIN: But she won’t do it, I just know it. Cindy totally hates brunettes.

OBAMA: Dude, I totally bet Hillary would do it!

MCCAIN: Yeah, you’re right! Can you call her for me?

OBAMA: Its like 3 a.m…

McCain proceeded to give Obama puppy dog eyes.

OBAMA: Fine, but you owe me.

MCCAIN: Well, I mean I’m practically giving you the election…

Obama sighed and dialed Hillary Clinton

HILLARY: Bill just finish up with her and get back here! We have a thing in the morning.

OBAMA: Oh, hey Hillary it’s me.

HILLARY: Barack? Weird… whatever. Just tell Bill to wear a glove, I don’t want him to get any of your Arab diseases.

OBAMA: No, I’m calling cause… McCain wants to know if you want to do a threesome with him and Cindy…

Obama and McCain snickered wildly.

HILLARY: (Sighed loudly) Tell him the deal stands, get me 2012 or forget it!

Hillary hung up and Obama turned to McCain.

OBAMA: Did you tell her you would help her win in 2012 if she had a threesome with you?

McCain looked around nervously and ran into an alleyway. Barack then heard McCain scream and run out of the alley. Obama walked into the alleyway to see his wife Michelle making out with Hillary Clinton. Michelle stated “Look honey I got us a Mayonnaise mama!”